An Afternoon Snack

The husband and I rarely go out to eat. We are usually in the kitchen concocting our own dinners and recipes. Today, however, we decided we would treat ourselves and go out to lunch. (mostly because we had a gift card and today seemed as good a day as any to use it)

When we go out to eat, we usually order in one of two ways. We either order two or three appetizers to split or one entree to split. We never order drinks or dessert. And we always come home with left-overs. But as I said, we had a gift card so we ordered uncharacteristically and decided to get 3 appetizers and an entree and a dessert. I'm sure we looked quite ridiculous as we sat at a table for two with enough food to feed at least four.

We sat there, eating the deliciousness of pizza, onion rings, lettuce wraps, salad, soup and a sandwich. The husband was working on the lettuce wraps while I sat with half a sandwich in my hand. As is usual, as we sat eating neither of us were talking. All of a sudden the husband turns to me and asks, "Is your other hand clean?"

I looked down to inspect the hand that was not holding any food. Puzzled as to why he was asking me this I reply "Yes."

"Then can you scratch my left nipple?"

I looked at him with concern, trying to decode his question. But the husband was completely serious, there were no signs of mischief across his face. My face however was a mix between confusion, horror, and utter embarrassment at the thought of reaching over and scratching his left nipple in a crowded restaurant.

At this point I completely lost it. I could not help but burst into laughter at this ridiculous notion. It wasn't just a ha-ha laugh. It was the kind where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted into a squinty mess. It's the kind where people might actually think you are dying because you turn all red from lack of oxygen and you can't make any noise. Did he really think I was going to put my hand up his shirt to scratch his nipple?

Yes, he did because as I started laughing he was almost hurt that I was laughing instead of agreeing to his request.

Right about then was when the husband realized how slightly inappropriate it might be for me to be seen publicy feeling up my husband and he too started laughing hysterically.

In between gasps for air he would say to me "No seriously, it's itching really bad."

Which only made me laugh harder. During one of the last pleas for me to please just scratch it, he couldn't help laughing, which in turn sent food shooting out of his mouth across the table.

We were a mess.

He eventually stuck his own hand up his shirt and scratched his itchy nipple. And then he complained that it hurt because he was scratching it.

On the way home he kept reminding me how unkind I was not to scratch his nipple. He even claims that he was in so much pain that he thought he was going to die.

When we got home he was still complaining that his nipple hurt. He thought it needed lotion so he asked me to put some on for him. As I did and rubbed it in soothingly, he started to whimper and saying in a panic "It burns! It burns!"

Again I could not control myself and went into hysterics on the floor.