Holes

The husband walked downstairs this morning and informed me that he had experienced a minor setback in his wardrobe selection.

Husband: I went to put on my khaki pants this morning, you know the ones I wear almost all the time, and there was a hole!

Me: (completely distracted and a little, ok a lot, disinterested) Oh. That sucks.

Husband: Yea, but its not just a little hole. It's a big hole. And right next to the big hole, the fabric is wearing thin and starting to form a second hole.

Me: Oh. Well where is it?

Husband: It's in the crotch area. Which is weird because it's not like my pants are tight. They are loose. And all I do is walk back and forth in the classroom, I'm not climbing or jumping around. So for it to wear like that is weird.

Me: Huh... Well nobody probably even noticed. Since it's in between your legs they would only be able to see it if you are sitting down right in front of them.

Husband: So what I hear you saying is, oh that sucks, you're a retard with a hole in your pants.

Me: Yea, basically.

And we both went on with getting ready for the day. He asked me a few times throughout the day if I had looked at the holes in his pants. What did he think? I got ready in the morning, had no time to spare until we left together and rode to work. When did I have time to inspect his holey pants? Exasperated, I finally took a peak.  I immediately burst into laughter.

I couldn't believe that he had worn a hole that large into the crotch of his pants and he didn't even notice.

Now, you may be thinking that he told me the hole was big. Yes he did. But he often exxagerates. He tells me very frequently that women around the world wept when we married because he was no longer single. So forgive me if I did not take him seriously when he told me the hole was huge. But alas it was and I am flabbergasted as to how he accomplished this. Looks like I will be out looking for a replacement khaki pair of work pants this weekend.

Rings 'n Things

The husband and I started dating 5 years ago. (I'm feeling older as I write this.) We were both in college and had no expectations whatsoever as to what this relationship would bring. I was only 19 afterall and he 24. Like every other woman on the planet, however, I soon started longing to hear a measly 3 word phrase that would launch our relationship into the next level. I remember that we had been dating a year and still had not heard him utter these words and so I started to push. I wanted confirmation that we were both on the same page. That he really did have deeper feelings for me which could maybe develop into a relationship geared toward marriage. So I started acting like any other woman on the planet would act and started asking if he loved me, if he was in this relationship because he thought he might possibly be able to see us married sometime down the line.

This was never recieved well, of course. And I don't blame him at all. Had I had some boyfriend pressuring me and demanding me to express my love for him I don't think I would have responded half as well as the husband did. He always told me the truth and it was always the same: I wouldn't still be in this relationship if I wasn't happy and didn't think it could go somewhere. He's always been very logical like this. Why tell me he loves me, instead show me by planning fantastic 21st birthday wine tastings and flowers unexpectedly. That is how he showed me, and still continues to show me, that he loves me.

That and he has these crazy rules about relationships. He told me when we first started seeing each other that he has rules he abides by when he is dating someone. First of all, you never become exclusive before dating a month. That way you can get a good feel for the person and see if they are cooky. Also, you never buy a girl jewelry unless you want to marry her. He told me other rules, but these are the two that really stood out in my mind. To me he was saying, if I like you, in one month we will be exclusively dating. (And no matter how much I whined, he waited until exactly one month to ask if I was comfortable with dating him and only him.) I also had it flagged forever in my memory that if he ever bought me jewelry, he intended to marry me.

So, one day two years into the relationship and still not a sign of a single piece of jewelry, the husband and I had been working out at the gym. In the car ride home he said he had something for me in his pocket. I was more than ready for a ring, the ring, and got a little excited.

Me: You have something for me? What?
Him: It's in my pocket. Here. I found this on the gym floor and thought it might be worth something.

He pulls out a ring. That he literally found on the gym floor. And I don't know how he could have thought it might be worth something. It looked like it had come from a crackerjacks box. And I told him.

Me: What is this? You actually think this is worth anyhting??? It looks like it came from a crackerjacks box! (I was mad with disappointment and was a little mean.)
Him: Well I don't know. Those kinda look like diamonds! My dad found a diamond ring on the floor once and gave it to my mom and she wasn't offended. She still has it.
Me: Yeah, because those are real diamonds! I don't want this piece of crap!

Like I said, I was mean. I threw it down in his car and left it at that.

But, like I said, he only intended on buying me jewelry if he wanted to marry me, so I panicked. The thought that was suddenly stuck in my mind was "What if he never buys me any jewelry? I might as well take what I can get!"

So I later snuck it back. When he noticed it on my finger, I told him I had thought better of the situation, that since he wasn't going to buy me any jewelry, I might as well take this piece of junk and make the best of it.

Which he thought was hilarious. And I thought was very sad. And a little funny.

Little did I know, that at almost exactly 3 years of dating, the husband would propose. And in the most romantic and clever way that I have ever heard:

He mysteriously told me that he would be picking me up at 5:30 in the morning on May 17, 2008. Now, if you have read my profile you know that I do not like mornings and I am a big grump if I am woken too early and/or have not gotten enough sleep. So when he said 5:30 I was not excited. He also wouldn't tell me where we were going.

We ended up driving to Temecula, wine country, to Wilson Creek Winery. I still had no idea what we were doing here. There were quite a few people there and we had to go check in. When we did I heard something about a pilot and got a little nervous.

Me: What are we doing? Did he say something about a pilot???
Husband: No. It's a surprise. He didn't say pilot. You're crazy.

We ended up getting into a van with 2 other couples, and I was correct he had said pilot. We were going up in a hot air balloon. Over wine country. Can you say romance?

We even posed for a few pictures before we went up, and the staff was more than willing to snap some photos for us.

Before we had boarded this basket, the sign had read "Happy Anniversary" so I had no clue that we were posing in front of a propsal sign!

We went soaring along. It was peaceful and romantic and so calm in the balloon. I remember trying to lean over and look down and the husband was super concerned and wouldn't let me lean too far over. Eventually, the husband handed me a polaroid of us posing in front of the "Will You Marry Me?" sign in the basket. And got down on one knee.

I was shocked. And so excited that he finally decided to buy me jewelry! I no longer wear my crackerjacks box ring because I have this beauty to wear.

Three Shorts Part III

Ever since I can remember my mother has told me that all men are alike. More specifically, "Men are all the same, they just come in different packages." I never really gave this any second thoughts, I mean because really, are our parents ever right about these types of things? Definitely not when you are a young teenage girl who knows everything in the world and whose parents couldn't possibly know what things are like today. But, amazingly, now that I am married, I know exactly what she is talking about.

My husband is no exception to these unwritten rules that all women are aware of. He doesn't care too much for frills or ruffles, he likes to chew with his mouth open and belch (and then blow it in my face), he is the biggest baby when he is sick, and whenever he gets together with his friends he becomes a 10 year old who likes to wrestle.

He and all his friends are into watching the fighting sports like UFC and we get together every couple of months to hang out and watch the fights. The women take this opportunity to catch up, cook and play with the babies. The guys take this opportunity to eat greasy potato chips, drink lots of beer and intensly stare at and analyze the fights. When the fights are over and their stomachs are full of greasy beer, they decide it is a great idea to try and be UFC fighters themselves. This results in not-quite-sober headlocks and 'rear-naked chokes' (I swear I didn't make this up). It usually ends because one of the women steps in and reprimands the men for acting like boys.

When we don't have the opportunity to all get together for fights, I oblige and watch them with the husband. I think the husband pretends that he is with the boys and the junk food because he always tries to get me to engage in combat during the commercials. I have learned long ago that while I am tough and stronger than most women, I am no match for my husband. (Did you see those muscles in the past post?) However, one time, I had a weak moment.

Although I don't quite remember, let's just say that I had been drinking and being so, my judgement was not what it should have been. The husband and I had just finished watching a UFC fight and the husband started picking on me. He was hyped up from watching all the sweaty, bloody fighters and the crowd screaming in anguish and excitement all at once. He started coming at me. You know, trying to provoke me into starting a fake fight so when I ended up getting hurt he could say that I was the one who started it. I took the bait and got his head into what I thought was a great headlock between my legs.

He stood there, staring at me and asked "Do you want me to show you how I can get out of this?"

"Sure. Go ahead and try." (I was cocky because my legs are stroooong. There have been a few occassions where I have been able to pin the husband down with my legs.)

He did some kind of quick wiggle-squirm-twist and was out before I knew what was going on. This marked the beginning of our battle. I tried to jump on his back. He dodged. He managed to pin me down. Then I would wiggle my way out and try to get him with my legs again. Laughter, screams and breathless pleas to stop in between the laughs were ignored.

Then the husband asked "Do you want to see how you're supposed to really pin someone with their legs?"

I was leery. During these play fights on various previous occassions, the husband has punched me, slapped me and kicked me. (All by accident of course. It's not like my husband beats me.) This didn't give me very much comfort in the fact that he would only show me and not hurt me in the process. But, as I said before, my judgement was not what it should have been. So I said "Ok. But don't hurt me!"

The husband positioned himself and told me where to stand and how. All of a sudden his leg was wrapped around my neck and one arm, held in place by his other leg and his hand was squeezing the grip tighter and tighter. At first it was funny. But then my arm was starting to cut into my neck and it was getting a little difficult to breathe. I could feel myself turning red from heat and because of a lack of oxygen to my brain. I couldn't talk too well, let alone breathe. All the while the husband is laughing. I finally gather up all the breath I can and manage a squeak of a scream to "Seriously stop, it hurts!"

When the husband lets go he is still laughing. And my head starts throbbing. Then I'm dizzy and need to sit down. I can't even stand up to get myself some water. Not to mention the bright red marks all around my neck. I had to sit down for 20 minutes before I felt okay to get up and walk around. And does the husband feel bad? Not in the least. To him, he has just won another UFC victory. I, on the other hand, vowed to never again engage in any sort of physical wrestling ever again.